...in no particular order...

...this is how you fall pregnant in bali...

…amazing, the things I brought back from bali…

so here I am back in my little bubble of reality that is my life, thinking back just over a month, of cocktails and extra large king size beds, oh take me back! on the bright side, seems I brought back more than just shoes, and clothes and trinkets and my voluptuous bali belly, seems those cocktails and extra large king size bed sent me home with a plus one! yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, found out a little while ago that our little family of three is soon gonna be a slightly bigger little family of four. very excited, and feeling pretty crappy most days, but it’s all good and all worth it. haven’t vomited on any students yet, but who knows, it’s early days.

so here we go again, got to ask myself if i’m ready for everything that a new baby brings, weeeee, poooooo, vomit, oh god breast feeding, my worst, i’m definitely not one of those mothers who loved the whole breast feeding, nurturing your baby thing, breast feeding with siena was 6 months of me holding my breadth, saying a little pray as I unleashed my piranha child on my swollen, painful nipples. if she would just have latched and stayed latched I may have been able to have kind of enjoyed the experience, but she would latch on for 15 – 45 seconds and then rip off, only to attack my nipple 2 seconds later like a rabid pitbull. aaaah the memories, my nipples just inverted just thinking about it.

but then there are those moments, the ones where you can watch them sleeping for hours, or they look up and smile at you, the way i smile at a chocolate brownie, pure happiness, and that first giggle, hug and when they run up to you and call you mommy, oh hell, bring on the nausea, the sleepless nights and even the breast feeding, i’m ready…'

...resistance is futile....

...so i started ovulating again today, my body and my mind are at war! for so long i've wanted to start trying for the next baby, and finally the timing is right. jp's on board, settled at work, siena's old enough, ok financially you never think you're ready but otherwise everything is saying yes, yes, yes, go forth and procreate! and i'm saying no! i think i've lost my mind, and at least twice this morning i had to stop myself from joining jp in the shower.

remember all the reasons that this is a good idea, i keep telling myself, read your previous blog entries...and then this obnoxious little voice in the back of my mind chirps up, 'don't believe everything you read!' does that apply to things you wrote yourself, i wonder? damn it! do i have the strength to say no, not now, maybe in two months time! if i can just resist for the next 2 days then i'll be safe until this time next month.

and isn't mother nature such a bitch, she teams your ovulation with this increased hormonal surge which makes resistance seem futile, impossible. well i'm not making any promises, we'll just have to see how the next 48 hours go...think cocktails in bali, think shellfish and sushi and cocktails, oh and think cocktails in bali...

...!@#$%^, but on the bright side....

...so, impatient as i am, after my last blog entry, i went and bought a pregnancy test, i wasn't going to, i was gonna wait til monday, but then i stopped at this budget centre looking for things for a friends stork party invite, and there was this crappy pharmacy and the next thing i know, i'm buying a crappy pregnancy test in really badly designed packaging. so usually with these tests you gotta use your first morning weeeeeeee, so i happen to wake up at 3am desperate for a weeeeeeee, so not wanting to waste the good stuff, i do the test with one eye open at 3am, and nothing!!! not even the test strip that shows that the test is working??? wtf! so now i'm pissed! so in the morning i scratch through the bin to double check and there is the one line, wtf, so i assume i'm not pregnant, !@#$%^ that crappy test.

now in my misery yesterday, my parents and brother and his wife, jp and i go out for dinner to nonna lina's,(the best italian restaurant in ct) and i decide, !@#$%^ the diet i WANT pasta and tiramisu, DIVINE! so i get on the scale this morning dreading the outcome, and hey! beyond belief i'm down! think maybe i should eat pasta and tiramisu everyday.

so, there it is , or isn't (that crappy test may have been faulty, but i doubt it). so sex will just have to be sex, no counting days, no propping myself up with pillows, no getting my hopes up, two whole months!!! on the even brighter side, it seems i'll be ovulating in bali! woohooooooo a bali baby sounds very exotic and romantic. mmmmmmm does that mean i'll have to think of a balinese name not an italian name...

...life's a bitch and so is my uterus...

...so got my period on thursday, which means i'm most probably not pregnant! so my uterus and i are not on speaking terms, well, unless you call swearing and cursing, speaking terms, cause then i'm speaking, my uterus hasn't dared reply. i feel like boycotting the entire reproductive system from my ovaries all the way down to my, for lack of a better word, vaJJ. guess that would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face. just don't think she should be rewarded for non performance and a substandard attitude, i'm a designer for god's sakes i work to deadlines!!!

so i'll do a pregnancy test on monday, just in case it's the same situation as siena, the 'psuedo period', but alas i've decided that if i am not pregnant, we're gonna wait until april to try again, why you may ask, two reasons, firstly i would prefer to not have a child in nov/dec as children born in the later half of the year statistically struggle emotionally and academically in school, now there's a 50/50 chance they'd get my amazing genes in the brains department, which would render the entire subject mute, but not willing to risk it! secondly then we can live it up in bali, eat drink and be merry, and not have to worry about passing out on the plane either. then the third reason, something to consider if you're thinking of trying for a baby soon, check your medical aid and how much they cover, you can take gap cover for the difference or a hospital insurance policy that pays out cash when you're in hospital, BUT both have a 12 month waiting period til birth!

so, watch this space, maybe it'll be happy unexpected news, in which case i'll spoil my vaJJ for job well done, and to apologise for the swearing, or it'll be the expected one stripe/negative and i may be miserable and sulky for a while.

have an amazing nutella fudge recipe, so if it's negative, a condolence chocolate fudge for my aching heart! maybe a congratulatory chocolate fudge...mmm...either way i eat fudge, i like this plan...

...don't get my hopes up...

so it's tuesday before thursday where i usually well, you know. by today i normally showing the tell tale signs and my breasts are usually super-tender, but nothing yet, could it be...no, let me not get my hopes up just yet...

..and wait...

as i said before, waiting is soooo not my thing, but here i sit ...waiting! it's only been just over a week but i still have minimum of 4 days till i maybe, possibly miss a period, then you've still got to give it a few days to make sure that your body's not just being a bitch and messing with you.

even worse is the fact that with siena, i didn't miss a period, or so i thought (apparently it isn't a real period but something else, your body's first act of revenge i think, or maybe denial), so for two weeks of actually being pregnant i thought i wasn't and went around cursing and swearing under my breath at all the pregnant women who seemed to be parading themselves in front of me, everywhere i went.

so only when i started to feel nauseous the week that i was due to ovulate did it dawn on me to do a test which then showed those glorious 2 pink lines. by then i was 6 weeks. a silent apology to all those pregnant women that i swore about in my head.

so i might get a psuedo period and then have to wait another two weeks before i start getting symptoms. which is gonna drive me insane and probably gonna cost me tons in 'just-in-case' pregnancy tests, 2 for R40 at clicks by the way.

so here i am, still waiting, fighting the urge to do a test just in case, no, i think i'll wait...

say aaaaaaaaaah!

so 2011 is finally here and i start this year on a very exciting note. jp and i have finally agreed on the fact that it is time to make a big sister out of siena. she's 3 and a half now and has started to realise that all her cousins and school friends have got little brothers or sisters, and she tells me daily that she wants a pink girl, not a blue boy, but definitely a pink girl. daddy on the other hand tells me he definitely wants a blue boy, which secretly i want too. but due to the age gap, a girl may be best for my little monkey, so either way i'll be thrilled.

so on thursday i had my first gynae appointment (3 years overdue, but life happens in between) i really love my gynae, she is awesome. after a chat, an internal scan, a pap smear and some blood tests, this body is ready for action. a bit anaemic but nothing an iron sup can't sort out. (note iron can wreak havoc on your regular twice a day routine, so i drink half a tablet daily instead)

it also just happens that i started ovulating on this day so gynae told me to go home and get busy! smsed jp the second i left her office. something along the lines of 'be ready, i'm on my way'.

conveniently jp and i have decided to start eating healthier this year and due to a holiday planned with friends, kelly and nick, in bali in april, we need to get our old beach bodies back! (don't know if i ever had one of those, but having a baby is a really good excuse to why i'm a bit outta shape, nevermind that it has been over 3 years)

jp, has decided to stop drinking and smoking hubblies for 'beach body' reasons but this is great news for baby making reasons too, need those swimmers to be able to swim in a straight line afterall.

so thursday night was fun, spent some time propped up on a pillow, and gynae reckoned to wait a day and then 'get busy' on the saturday too. which was going really well until siena woke up and came through to the bedroom to ask for a milky bottle, jp made it by seconds. 'dad will get it my angel, mommy needs to lie down cause her back is really sore', (couldn't risk gravity robbing me of my chances) jp is also under a strict 'no touching yourself' rule before ovulation week, need those swimmers to be strong and plentiful.

now we wait... i don't do well with waiting! patience and i are barely on speaking terms...